


All Too Well

by LinaBenliven



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Breakup, Cheating, Damaged, Drinking, Drunk Eren, Drunken Confessions, Flashbacks, Gaslighting, Heartbreak, Implied Alcoholisim, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, International Fanworks Day 2017, Lots of alcohol, M/M, Manipulation, Memories, Messy Breakup, One Shot, Platonic Love, Sadness, Self Loathing, Self destruction, Self destructive thoughts, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Shouting Match, all too well, ereri, eruri - Freeform, general unhappiness, pure angst, relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-30
Updated: 2016-12-30
Packaged: 2018-09-13 07:25:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9112606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LinaBenliven/pseuds/LinaBenliven
Summary: Eren is mentally in a bad place.A bottle of whiskey later and he finally has the courage to do something he should have done weeks ago.





	

The flat was a mess. It’s out of place for me and Armin. We both liked to keep the flat clean but the past few weeks had been rough on me. Armin had been out of town dealing with a family matter that had cropped up, and I had been left alone in the flat, while dealing with something that had shaken me to my core. So in my head it was understandable that I hadn’t cleaned the flat.

I sigh, and lock the front door behind me as I shrug out of my coat and scarf before hanging them up. I needed to clean. I knew that much but at the same time, I really just wanted to get drunk. It was winter break so I had already finished all my work. It had kept me from breaking down. But now that I had finished it, I had nothing to distract me from the emptiness I felt inside. I chuck my keys into the bowl on the side and cross through to our kitchen.

The kitchen was relatively clean. I had found it easier to keep that clean rather than the entire flat which was something. I guess. I blink seeing a book on the counter and my heart sinks when I remember exactly what it was. I flick through it before throwing the book across the flat. It connects with the coat rack and I watch it crash to the floor. I couldn’t deal with it. Seeing photos of the pair of us looking so damn happy. It was too soon. At least I think that’s what the problem was. I don’t know if it was because it had been a documentation of five years of my life, that had all of a sudden come crashing down around me just like the coat rack had done, or if it was _why_ it had come crashing down.

_Fuck this._

The thought swirls round my brain as I open the fridge and grab the six pack of beer that I had bought the other week. I hadn’t wanted to drink then, due to the fact that Mikasa had been over and the reason why I wanted to drink was a sore topic for her. But she wasn’t here now, and I really needed to get drunk and forget everything. When everything just reminds me of _him_ , I had no problem with drinking myself stupid. I open the drawer and grab the bottle open before putting my things on the coffee table. Then I remember the whiskey in the cupboard. I knew if I did shots of whiskey I would get drunk quicker, and at this moment; that was what I wanted. I walk back and grab the whiskey and my shot glass before taking residence on my couch.

Five minutes later and I’m in my hoodie and boxers, music playing from my phone and a shot of whiskey ready for me. Ready for me to go down the road that I had gone down several times over the past five years. While I’m not proud of my slight reliance on whiskey, I know that it’s better than the other option. And without a second thought I down the first shot.

_First Shot._

Nothing. Need another, my hand already pouring the shot before I even knew what I was doing.

_Second Shot._

Warmth. Fire. That familiar burning sensation in my throat. The one that I had found comfort in so many times after my parent’s death. Probably a little too much for a sane person. It was no surprise that I kept coming back to whiskey time and time again. He had been surprised by how much I could knock back that night we’d played a drinking game. He had laughed when I woke the next morning with a terrible hangover before he spent the day looking after me. I had just been thankful that unlike Armin and Mikasa he didn’t tell me that maybe I should drink less. He didn’t chide me at all. But when I suggested that maybe I should drink less; he just laughed before hugging me.

_Third Shot._

How did I get like this? Drinking my problems and cares away? Ignoring them. Finding comfort in the memories that drinking brought up again. Ignoring the reality that I would never get these feelings again. I’d rather be an alcoholic than cutting my wrists every night to deal with the dull ache of life. I knew my limits with alcohol at least. Or at least I thought I did. I knew how many shots you could get out of a bottle of whiskey. _Seventeen._ And I knew that wouldn’t make me blackout drunk but it would give me the same feeling of being drunk. It would give me that euphoric feeling tonight and then tomorrow I would wake in the late afternoon with a hangover. But I don’t care. I pour another shot.

_Fourth Shot._

Remembering how we danced in the light of the refrigerator one night. We had come home from one of his gallery showings. We had had some of the champagne at his show and walked home laughing. I had wanted something to eat and when I opened the refrigerator it lit up the dark flat. He had pulled me close and wrapped his arms around me. My body pressed up against his as we started to move. Our breathing perfectly in sync as we moved in time, dancing to music that only we could hear. We laughed when Armin caught us because we were laughing so much and asked what we were doing. Oh god his laugh. It was as though it was crafted by the gods themselves. It was deep, but rich like honey. I hadn’t wanted that night to end. We had walked back to my bedroom, fingers laced and he had tucked me into bed. I had asked him to stay but he had refused. He had to be up early to head to a meeting across town. He left me with a kiss on the forehead before he had turned the light out.

_Fifth Shot._

Remembering how the first time I had visited his and Mikasa place had gone. It had been freezing. I was sixteen and so eager to see where he lived. I had entirely forgotten that it was the same place that Mikasa lived. It was a place that already felt like home to me. But now it felt more than that. It felt like somewhere I would always want to be. And for a while I did class it as home. My parents dying meant that for a while I lived with them, and at Armin’s house. But I only felt like I belonged when I stayed with him. I had left my scarf at his place. I hadn’t meant to. It still resided in one of the drawers in the kitchen. I hadn’t got it back. _I hadn’t wanted too._ He had bought me a new one. A black one. Said it went with my outfits better than my red one. That it made me look less innocent. Something that he had whispered in my ear and laughed when I shivered. Him inviting me to stay the night. Agreeing almost instantly and spending the night watching his favourite moves curled in bed with him. Never wanting to leave.

_Sixth Shot._

Remembering the drive upstate to go visit his mum. My voice ringing out in his beaten up car. Singing a song that he had said was one of his favourites. He nearly drove through a red light because he was watching me too intently. Laughing when I scolded him for doing so. Stopping down a beaten dirt road a few miles from his mum’s so that he could reassure me about her. The fact he had noticed my hands awkwardly playing with the zip of my hoodie making me feel happy. Just knowing that he cared. Watching him undo his seatbelt just so he could kiss me. The warmth in my stomach at that. A feeling I had hoped would never go away. The promise that his mum would love me because he loved me. Saying those words back to him. Our faces flushing scarlet, silence falling over the car. Driving in silence with the music turned off, the weight of those words weighing on our minds. Needing to process what was said. Worrying I had lost him. The kiss before we got out at his mums, reassuring me that I hadn’t lost him. Him telling me that no matter what we would be together.

 _Seventh Shot_.

Remembering how nervous I had been to meet his mum. Lingering on the porch, not wanting to go inside. Not wanting to face the fact that Kuchel might not like me. And then what did I do if she didn’t like me? I was so in love. I didn’t want to stop. Finding out that I had worried over nothing. Kuchel had adored me and had embarrassed him. She had dragged all the photo albums out and told me how he used to wear glasses and sleep with all his teddies on the bed. Telling me about the time he had played on the little league sports team and baking in the kitchen with her. Watching his cheek’s flush scarlet and him beg Kuchel to stop embarrassing him with that sweet smile of his. Finding out that once Mikasa had become a part of the family, how he had been so protective of her. How he had promised me that we could start our own photo albums for our own family in the future. Being ecstatic that he thought we had a future together. Not wanting to admit that I only saw a future with him in it. The two of us helping Kuchel cook without being asked before I noticed the photo of me and him hanging on the living room wall. His mum noticing how I stared at it and telling me how much she liked that photo. Finding out that Mikasa had taken it and knowing deep down that even though Mikasa hadn’t said anything to me, that she approved of the two of us. Excusing myself to the bathroom to compose myself before dinner.

_Eighth Shot._

Remembering how he captured beauty in every photo he took. It didn’t matter what it was. He let me tag along to photoshoots and talked me through his processes. Getting Mikasa, Armin and me to pose for him just so that we could have a nice photo of the three of us for a change. How he had given me a print of his photo of the roses in the rain. The one he had made me stand with just so he could get the photo perfect. How I had shivered from the cold and he had given me his jacket in return as we walked back to his car. I had gotten sick the week later and he had sat and nursed me back to health. He made me soup, and rubbed my back when I threw it back up. Singing me a lullaby when I complained that I hated being sick, holding me close until I finally fell asleep, my fingers grabbing at his shirt.

_Ninth Shot._

Remembering lying awake with him the first night he stayed in the flat. How I had felt so happy that I didn’t want to go to sleep. I had just wanted to talk to him all night. I told him that and he had laughed, saying that he was usually up all night anyway so it wouldn’t be a problem. Talking about the future and what it held for us two. Him laughing and saying that we would be together forever. Talking about getting a house with Mikasa and Armin. Decorating it for Christmas and watching movies together on the couch. It had all sounded perfect to me, like it was plucked from my own brain. I had fallen asleep not that long after that. My head on his chest and his hand tangled into my messy brown hair. Waking up in one of his shirts and him in my shower. Thinking that my life wouldn’t get any better than this. Knowing that this was all I wanted from my life.

_Tenth Shot._

 Remembering how insistent he had been to meet my parents. Fighting with him over the topic. Not wanting to break down in front of him over them. Tears in my eyes as I yell at him that he couldn’t meet them. His slender hands covering mine as I sobbed over what I had lost.  How he had given me one of his hoodies to wear while we went to visit them. He had tried to hide his surprise when I took him to a graveyard. Sitting in silence as I played with the hoodie strings, his arm around my waist. Neither of us talking, because we didn’t know what to say. Staying there in the rain because I didn’t want to move. Him not forcing me to move, instead just putting the hood up and pulling me closer. Him taking a photo of a butterfly landing on mum’s grave.

I take the next shot while I’m crying.

_Eleventh Shot._

Remembering the first time we had had sex. How the heating had gone out in the flat and how we had cuddled up to each other in order to keep ourselves warm. Minutes later clothes were being slid off each other, hands wandering up and down as I felt my curiosity burning inside. His skin was soft. I hadn’t expected it to be. The gasp that escaped his mouth as I had stroked his hips. The passionate kisses he had planted down my neck onto my chest. Feeling myself come undone at his touch. Begging for more. For anything. Just for him to keep touching me. Never wanting the level of pleasure to stop. Hearing moans of his name escape my lips and blushing scarlet. Being told that I sounded nice and that he wanted to hear more. Hearing him moan my name and feeling my chest swell with pride at the fact that he was mine and mine alone. Losing my virginity to a man that I well and truly loved. Being so loud that when I came out my room the next morning wearing one of his shirts that I had to apologise to Armin. Getting embarrassed when he told me that he hadn’t heard me and that I had apologised for nothing. Armin telling me that he was glad I was finally happy, and asking if he wanted some bacon and eggs.

_Twelfth Shot._

Remembering how he had proposed to me. Feeling awkward and out of place in the busy restaurant. Him telling me that I could order what I wanted and playing with the button on my jacket. Not understanding the French words, asking him what they meant. Him playing with my hand as he explained what everything was. Calming down as he played with my fingers. Going to the bathroom before dessert and taking a moment to myself. Coming back out and sitting down only to watch him stand. The entire restaurant’s eyes on us as he dropped down to one knee and opened that small velvet box. Seeing the silver band and knowing instantly what he wanted to ask. Feeling sick out of sheer nervousness. Hearing my name fall from his lips and nodding shakily when words failed me. Watching him slip the ring on my finger before hugging me. A sweet little lady on the table near us ordering a bottle of champagne for the happy couple.

_Thirteenth Shot._

Remembering how I had found out about Erwin. By going to his uninvited because he was ‘sick’. Wanting to go look after him like a good fiancé. Opening the bedroom door to the pair of them making out unashamedly. Watching his tongue dance in and out of Erwin’s. Dropping the soup that I had made over my foot. Feeling it leak into my shoe, as I felt something break inside me. I had felt like everything was shattering around me. Not knowing what was real anymore and what wasn’t. Feeling like Alice when she fell down the rabbit hole. Shakily grabbing the ring off my hand and throwing it at him without caring where I hit him. Screaming that he was a bastard and how I didn’t even want an explanation. Knowing that I fucking wanted an explanation but being so mad that I didn’t care to listen to his side of the story. Watching with a heavy heart as he looked at me with those gunmetal eyes and shrugged as though he didn’t care. Him saying he would come collect his things in a few weeks before he went back to kissing Erwin. Erwin not even looking at me the entire time that I was there. Leaving in tears, screaming at Mikasa to leave me alone when she asked what was wrong. Wandering the streets for hours before I made it home. Bandaging my wrists in the bathroom so that Armin didn’t see. Drinking half a bottle of whiskey in my room before curling up under my quit. Crying into my pillow.

_Fourteenth Shot. Fifteenth Shot. Sixteenth Shot._

He rang me. Somewhere in between the fourteenth and fifteenth shot he had rang me and I had missed it. I had been too caught up in my memories to even hear my ringtone play out.  I put the shot glass down on the coffee table and feel my hand shake as I pick up my phone. The room is spinning slightly as I take in what my phone was saying to me. I had one missed call from him, and a text which I could deal with, at least until I read the contents of the text.

_Levi: Hey. I’m here to get my things and talk. Answer the door when you feel ready x_

 

I feel my phone slip out of my hand and I’m not sure what pushed me over the edge. Was it the kiss at the end of the text? Or was it the fact he assumed that I was prepared to talk to him about what had happened? If I was honest both of them were annoying, I just didn’t know which one annoyed me more. I look at the almost empty bottle of whiskey and down the last of it without caring.

_Seventeenth Shot._

I leave my things on the sofa and cross to my bedroom before grabbing the box of things in the corner of my room and carrying it to the door. I take my time unlocking the door. Partly because trying to get my key into the lock while the world was spinning around me was a harder task than I had anticipated.

I feel my heart swell slightly when I open the door to see him standing there. His raven hair falling into his face slightly. The way the jacket he wore clung to his body, accentuating his muscles. It made me eager to touch him before the memories come crashing back to me. Five years was not something I would get over quickly it seems. Not that I could blame myself for that. I had given him so much of myself, and opened myself to him at a point where I was at my most vulnerable. And I’m still unsure as to whether that was a bad decision.

“Can I come in? I brought your stuff back” My golden eyes meet his gunmetal ones, and for a second I think I see a hint of sadness in them. Maybe even a bit of regret in them. My heartbeat increases for a second before I will it to stop. I didn’t know if my brain and my heart were willing to cooperate with me at the minute due to the large amount of alcohol I had consumed in such a short period, but I prayed it would. I didn’t want to do something stupid after all. I see the box in his arms and my eyes scan across it. It had everything I had left at his in there.

_Everything except that red scarf._

“Sure.” I say it softly and run a hand through the messy tresses of my hair before I move out the way. He puts the box down and closes the door behind him. I watch his eyes fall onto the fallen coat rack from the photo album I had thrown earlier. His eyes move from that to the mess of the apartment but he doesn’t say anything. Almost like he expected it. It is unusual that he didn’t say anything about the mess. I knew how much he liked places being clean and I had changed my habits to make sure that I was clean and tidy most of the time. But now that I wasn’t with him; the habits had slipped.

“Look, I owe you an explanation Eren.” His voice sounds so soft and genuine that the slightly sober part of my brain wills me to listen to him. Reminding me that I did want an explanation. The drunk part of my brain chimes in at that point telling me that if I listened to the explanation that I wouldn’t be able to go back. That his explanation is probably just another lie. How many lies had he told me during those five years? And that’s what convinces me to listen. But not to his explanation. I want to listen to him to see how much he had lied to me. To see if he messed up.

_I didn’t want him back._

There was no way I could take him back. Seeing him and Erwin like that had broken me. And if he could do that with someone that he had told me had broken his heart when he had moved away then he could do it with anyone. It meant that I couldn’t believe him if he said that he wasn’t going to do it again. That it was a mistake. Because there was no way that this was a mistake. He had told me that he was sick. He had lied to me. Because the first time Erwin was in town after breaking Levi’s heart – I had caught them undressing each other. There was no way we could go back after this. The thought would be constantly hanging over my head. It wasn’t fair on either of us.

_I didn’t want him back._

“I don’t want an explanation. Nothing you tell me can change what you did. I gave you the ring back, marry Erwin, at this point I don’t care. All your stuff is in that box.” I half snap it as I point at the box in question before I fold my arms. My golden eyes refusing to meet his gaze as he steps forward to look at me. I shift awkwardly and I look at the wall behind him. When I looked at him all I could see was my double vision and two of him. And while I had had the fantasy of having two of him a few months back; now was not the time to remember that.

“Eren, why are you being so cold…?” I’m not used to him talking in that soft concerned voice of his. It makes me wonder if I could resist the charm of it while as heavily intoxicated as I am. It takes me a moment to process his words and as I think of several reasons why I could be cold towards him; I hear him speak again: “You’ve been drinking haven’t you?”

“None of your fucking business.” I snap before kicking his box towards him as I walk back to the couch and grab a beer.  I open it hurriedly and I take a swig before I turn back to look at him. He looks startled that I snapped at him and I take the moment of silence to take another swig. I didn’t care if he knew that I was drinking. There was nothing he could do to stop me now. I didn’t want him too.

Yes, he had tried to help me stop drinking because I had realised that I had a bit of a mild dependence on it. And we had been making progress. But his dalliance with Erwin had meant that the progress had taken a step backwards now.  

“You know what. Tell me your explanation. I want to hear the excuse you’re going to give.” I add as I shift to rest against the back of the sofa, my golden eyes watching him curiously. His grey eyes watch me as I keep taking sips of my beer until I put the empty bottle down. “Do you have nothing to say to me Levi?”

“Eren, I didn’t mean-”

“You didn’t mean to make out with Erwin? Or did you not mean to hurt me? Is that seriously what you’re going with here?” I cut him off before laughing slightly. Was he serious right now? I feel my laughter stop abruptly and I watch him as he steps forward slightly to speak.

“No. I never meant to hurt you Eren.” He keeps repeating my name. It feels weird hearing him say it after hearing nothing from him for a few weeks. His voice seems remorseful and I feel the willpower of drunken me starting to cave. I can’t cave.

**_I did not want him back._ **

The words repeat like a mantra in my head and I straighten up slightly. My eyes meet his and I see him flinch slightly from what I can only assume is a cold stare. I had every right to be mad. He had given me so many nights where I had cried myself to sleep. He was the cause of so many scars on my wrists. This wasn’t something we can come back from.

“Well it’s too fucking late for that!” I shout as I clench my fists slightly. I was shaking badly now. “You were fucking undressing him when I caught you. You told me you were sick! I was with you five years Levi, he comes back into your life and suddenly you don’t need me. I threw my ring at you and you didn’t even stop what you were doing. You looked straight at me and still carried on with him. How am I meant to trust you after that Levi?!”

“It was an accident Eren! I’m sorry, okay?!”

“You’re sorry?! You looked straight at me and you didn’t say anything!” His calm facial expression changes at my words and I chuckle slightly before grabbing another bottle and opening it. “That’s what I thought.” I snap before taking a big swig from it.

“What do you want from me Eren?” I see the pain in his eyes as he says that and I shift slightly. I didn’t know what I wanted in honesty. I wanted an apology. I wanted an explanation. I did not want us to get back together though. There was nothing he could do to fix this. I avert my gaze and take another swig of my beer rather than answer. “I said I was sorry, I’m not going to see him again, trust me. What else can I do to make it up to you?” He steps forward as he talks and I can see that he’s rather close to me so I shift and move away slightly. I would lose any composure I had if he got to close, and he knows this. He knows how it works when I drink and how the cycle of my emotions work. This could be harder than I originally anticipated.

“Nothing.” I snap.

“There has to be something, come on babe.”

“No!” I scream it and before I know what I’m doing I’ve picked up the empty bottle of beer and thrown it at the wall behind Levi. It was the word ‘babe’ that had done it for me. He had only called me that when we were joking and the fact he’s taking this so lightly annoyed me. There was no good possible outcome for this. There was no outcome where I got back with him, the only outcome was him leaving and never coming back. I watch the glass shards sprinkle across the floor a wet patch appearing where the bottle had connected with the wall. I would explain it to Armin later. “There’s nothing you can do! You can’t fix this Levi! You broke this!”

“At least talk it out with me Eren.” His words make me laugh quietly. It’s the same laugh I had given when I had found out that someone had crashed into dad’s car and killed my parents. It’s the fake nervous laugh I had given so many times. It makes him stare at me and I slide down onto the floor with my back against the sofa. It was the laugh that had made Armin take me to therapy because he didn’t think I was mentally okay after my parent’s death. And I know that Levi knows that which means his confused facial expression makes complete sense at this point.

It’s a funny sight to see, he was normally never confused when we were together. He was the confident one. He was the one who always knew what he was doing and how to get exactly what he wanted. I was the one who generally felt out of place until he had built up my confidence and I could hold conversations without worrying. And he would be the one to rear that confidence down in one swift movement.

“Everything was so fucking perfect between us and you fucked it up.” I pull my knees to my chest well aware that the way the boxers sit mean that he could quite possibly be getting an eyeful at the minute. Let him get an eyeful. Maybe it’ll remind him of what he’s lost. “Maybe I asked for too much by expecting you to be faithful, especially since you became my fiancé. And then you ring me today just to break me again didn’t you? You didn’t speak to me for three weeks.”

“Eren you’re drunk. There wasn’t a question there.” He says and I see him kneel in front of me, keeping his eyes respectfully on my face. Although I had the cocky thought of letting him stare at my junk so that he knew what he had left, that still slightly sober part of me is glad that he isn’t staring.

“Why now? What changed? Did he leave again? Why _him_ Levi? You told me he was a bastard and left you. Why did you go running back to him?” I snap and watch him closely. “Was that enough questions for you?” I add in a snarl as I take another swig. I can’t reach another bottle but seventeen shots and two bottles was probably enough for me today. I put the empty bottle down and take a deep breath, waiting for him to collect his thoughts.

“I had my exhibition in Paris. You know this, you were meant to come with me. I got back yesterday and boxed your things. You hadn’t messaged me so I figured you were trying to work things out; I didn’t want to make that decision harder than it had to be.” He says softly answering my questions for why it had taken him so long. It doesn’t satisfy me completely but it’s enough to be content with.

“Fine.” I pick the bottle up and start playing with the label, trying to peel it off. “Why him? I don’t even know what happened between you and him before, you wouldn’t tell me anything other than the fact he left you once before.” My drunken curiosity has peaked. I needed to know what Erwin had done to him before for all Levi to tell me was ‘ _my ex-boyfriend was a bastard’._

Those words had shocked me when he had told me them, especially when I had just confessed that he was my first real relationship. Not that I hadn’t known that I was gay before that. I had felt attraction to other boys. I had just never pursued anything. The only male that I would have pursued was Jean Kirchstein and I knew that he was straight, so I had just bottled up every feeling I had had, until I met Levi.

“He left me for a man he met on some app. A police captain. Mike. I saw the texts they sent each other and then when I confronted him he just left me. Said that we were over, and he was moving in with Mike. When I next came home from the studio all of his things were gone. Mikasa had let him in while I was at work.” He explains and I notice he plays absentmindedly with the zip on his jacket, eyes still focused on me. His eyes no longer looked sad or full of remorse. They were cold. It was the look he gave when he knew that whatever he was saying was the truth. He was going to fight me every step of this break up it seemed.

“Then why go back to him now?”

“I don’t know I just couldn’t help myself.” I dig my nails into my palm at those words. From what I remember about the scene I had seen as I opened his bedroom door it was quite clear that he couldn’t help himself. The way his hands had worked on unbuttoning Erwin’s shirt while I made eye contact with him had convinced me of that.

“Does the five years we were together mean nothing to you?” My voice is quiet. I don’t know how to react. If he said yes, I don’t know what I would do. Punch him? It’s a possibility. But at the same time; I have to know. I have to know if I wasted five years of my life on him. Maybe I would have been better pining over Kirchstein. “Because it sure seems like it means nothing to you Levi.”

“No. Those five years with you were perfect, I wanted it to last longer. It should have lasted longer.” His voice echoes around the flat in comparison to my quiet voice. I didn’t get how he could say all this and expect me to believe it, but part of me does believe it. I know I should but I know it should have lasted longer and hearing him say it means that that thought is just reaffirmed in my head. I didn’t need this.

“Well you should have thought of that before you fucked Erwin. You might as well go back to him.” I don’t try to hide my anger. I know that digging my nails into my palm has broken the skin, I can feel the blood trickling down my hands slightly, but I really didn’t want to throw the second bottle just yet.

“I can’t. He left again.”

“Then it serves you fucking right!”  I stand as I shout it and he quickly follows my lead and steps towards me. He reaches for my hand and I flinch away from him.

“Eren, don’t be that way. You know I love you.” I throw the second empty bottle at that. How dare he say he loved me after all this. I watch the glass shards sparkle as they bounce amongst the others and I can’t take my eyes off them until they lie still on the ground.

It’s funny how fragile relationships were. One false move and the pieces come crashing down, leaving both parties to deal with how to move on. Some were insistent in making the other believe that they were the one that caused it. And others, they just wanted to move on, sweep the pieces up and forget about it the best they could. Before this I hadn’t known what could of person I was and I had never thought that I would have known because I never saw Levi and me ending. But now… now I know which kind of person I am.

I’m tired. I just want this to be over. I just want to move on.

_I want this to end._

“No. no. no.” I say as I push him away from me, watching him stumble back and stare at me dumbfounded. “You _loved_ me. You don’t love me anymore. If you loved me, we wouldn’t be having this discussion. That ring would still be on my finger and we’d be curled up in bed together.” I say as I walk to the kitchen and grab the dustpan and brush out of the cupboard before walking back. He tries to grab my arm as I walk past him and I pull my arm out of my grasp. “Levi you can’t take it back. I know you want to but I just can’t accept it.”

“Eren, I- “

“No. Listen to me now.” I cut him off again. The drink fuelling my annoyance now. I didn’t care that I more than likely wouldn’t be coherent, I needed to get this off my chest. And I knew that sober me wouldn’t say any of this. “This is a pathetic excuse at you attempting to get back with me because Captain Eyebrows left you again, well tough shit. You’ve lost both of us now. I don’t want to have to spell this out for someone as smart as you, but it appears I will have to.” I kneel down and start sweeping the broken glass up. The methodical movement of the brush meaning that I forget momentarily about the raven haired male watching me.

“What are you saying Eren?” He says, causing me to be distracted by him. I stop what I was doing and I stand again and I look at him before I sigh.

“This is over between us. There is no going back now Levi. And I would like you to let me finish before you interrupt me.” I fold my arms over my chest as I talk and I see him nod before he straightens up.

“Of course.”

“I’d like to be how I was before I saw you and him but trying to find the person I was before we were together is difficult. I want to move on, but I’m stuck in limbo, it’s almost like time won’t fly. I’m paralyzed by every thought of our relationship. For ages I thought it was my fault that you cheated on me. After all; _Levi Ackerman doesn’t make mistakes.”_ He flinches as I quote what he told me when I asked him if he had ever made a mistake. _“_ Congratulations Levi. You made your first mistake.” He had told me that nothing was ever truly a ‘mistake’, you could always learn something from it. It was an interesting philosophical point, but not one that I wanted to make right now.

“I assumed that this had always been your plan. Just for you to be with me until Erwin came back for you. I told myself that I would let you go but it’s just so hard. I gave you everything Levi and this is how you repay me for that. You built up my trust and my confidence and in one stupid fucking mistake you fucking took it all away.” I finish as I brush my fringe out of my eyes so that I can see how he reacts to what I’m saying. I see him shift slightly awkwardly and I know that I got through to him.

“I think I understand Eren.”

“Good. This is it Levi. Take your shit and leave. I’ve got to clean my mess up before Armin comes back. If I see you when I visit Mikasa I will be civil but that is the best you are going to get.” I say as I kneel down to finish sweeping up the glass left on the floor before gasping as he bends down and grabs my jaw tilting my head up to look at him.

“You’re making a mistake though. You know that you won’t get anything like what we had. It’s why you blamed yourself for so long.” He says it with such calculated coldness that it sends a shiver down my spine. What he said was true but I was determined to be strong and not let him get to me. I grab his hand and pull it away from me.

“Levi I mean it. You fucked up. Now leave or I ring the cops.” I growl and I watch the resignation sink into his eyes. He knew that he had lost this battle. It happens so fast after that, I see him pick up the box I had packed and he leaves, slamming the door behind him. And just like that I’m left in silence, my phone still playing my playlist quietly from where it was sat on the couch.

Five minutes later and the flat is in its usual pristine condition and I feel better for it. It was a step in the right direction and while drunk me is over thinking the implications of doing something good for my mental health, that small sober part of me is in turmoil still. It knows that while I’ve won the battle tonight, it doesn’t mean that I’ve won the battle completely.  And that would be something I have to deal with tomorrow, and each day that follows. Eventually I would win the battle, and I knew all too well that that was the important thing.

Eventually I would be free of Levi’s hold on me.

Eventually I would be my own person again.

I look over as I hear a key in the door. Smiling slightly as I lean against the sofa, turning my music off as the door opens. That slight smile turning into a cocky grin when I see my blonde best friend with his suitcase in tow. I watch him chuck his key in the pot after locking the door before I decide to acknowledge him.

“Hey Armin.” I call out and I see his face wash with surprise as he sees me.

“Hey Eren, didn’t think you would still be up.” He says as he walks over to me and envelopes me in a hug. I didn’t care at the minute that I was inappropriately dressed for this and still very drunk, I wanted the hug. After standing up for myself I had earned it.

“You know me, I’m always up. Is everything sorted with your family?” I ask as I rest my forehead in the crook of his neck, not quite ready to pull away from the hug. I felt safe and loved. Even if it was only platonic love, at this point I was going to take it.

“Everything is sorted, Grandpa thought he was having a stroke. He didn’t, it was a mild concussion from falling down the stairs. He’s fine.” I hear the stressed undertone in the blonde’s voice and I smile slightly. I knew how much Armin loved his grandpa. “But, how are you? On our way to being good?”

“Yeah…I think so.”

**Author's Note:**

> So this is the longest one-shot I have ever written. It took me about twelve hours of solid work to write it. And I'm proud of it, it's different from my usual style and I didn't want to stop it until I had a reasonably satisfying ending, which this is.
> 
> It was mainly written because I've just gone through something very heavy and I needed to get it out somehow and this was the only way I could figure out how to do so. Nonetheless I am proud of this, and I will be for a long while.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it.


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